


We can't stop here, this is bat country!

by Aeryn-Inara (Strixgirl)



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drunk Oswald Cobblepot, M/M, Nerd Ed, Oswald is so confused, Party boy Oswald, Puppy Ed, Recreational Drug Use, Spoiled Oswald
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strixgirl/pseuds/Aeryn-Inara
Summary: AU where Oswald grew up as the Van Dahl heirSummary: Oswald has woken up hungover and with no memory of his wild weekend. What did he get up too? And what do latex gloves, a green suit and a chiffon skirt have to do with any of it?.There will be sassy Zsasz, crazy Babs and lil sis Ivy.





	1. Dazed And Confused

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys,
> 
> I have no excuse for this other that I was really sleep deprived and listening too much panic at the disco. It's pretty much crack, though I will probably be unable to avoid my tendency to throw in character studies, as Oswald tries to work out what the hell he did when FUBAR'd.

Oswald woke up with a blinding headache and a feeling of utter confusion. He was lying on the floor, in just his underwear, surrounded by empty alcohol bottles and partially clothed bodies.

Oswald sat up slowly, his head spinning and stomach churning, and tried to get his bearings. Oswald didn’t recognise the apartment or any of the partially clothed bodies lying next to him _“What the hell happened?”_

Oswald pulled himself up from the floor and scanned the room for any sign of his clothes, but couldn’t find any. He did however locate his best friend Zsasz passed out on the couch at the other end of the room, with two mostly naked girls draped over him. Oswald couldn’t help but chuckle _“when doesn’t that man have half naked women fawning all over him”_

Oswald managed to maneuver around all the passed out party goers and make his way over to the couch. He leant in and in a hushed whisper began to shake Zsasz awake “Victor… Victor... Come on, get up!” Zsasz squinted up at Oswald from his position “Where are we?” Oswald stood back up and rubbed his hand over his eyes “I had really hoped you knew. “ 

Oswald ran his eyes over his friend’s body. Zsasz had some how managed to keep his pants and Oswald prayed he still had his phone “Do you have a phone?” Zsasz began to shift and search his pockets, the still unconscious girls sliding slightly off him. 

Zsasz pulled out a mobile and tossed it at Oswald. Oswald barely managed to catch it in his hungover state and glared at Zsasz. “Damn it! It’s Monday. Grace is gonna be pissed.” Zsasz smirked “When isn’t she” Oswald and Zsasz shared a laugh. 

Oswald step-mother hated Oswald, and the feeling was mutual. She had wormed her way into his family by capitalising on his father’s grief after his mother’s death. She and the demon spawn she called children were the bane of Oswald’s existence. She wanted his father’s money and he was the one thing in the way. She had tried her best to get his father to disown him at every chance, even trying to use his sexuality as an excuse as to why he shouldn’t inherit.

“True, but it was her precious Charles’s birthday on Saturday and I was meant to be in attendance” Zsasz laughed “Maybe you were” 

Oswald froze in horror at the mere thought, and tried to remember what had occurred this weekend. He realised pretty quickly that he had no concrete memories of the last three days, only flashes without context. 

Oswald remembers drinking at Fish Mooney’s with Zsasz and Ivy _“Why was I wearing a top hat? And did I have a cane?”_ then getting thrown out by one of her brutes _“Butch never did like me”_

He has a clear memory of snorting cocaine in the bathroom at Sirens with Babs _“she should not be taking stimulants. The woman was wired enough with just alcohol in her system”_ and then for some reason they were both at the GCPD _“Why the hell was I there?”_. Despite his clear memories of drug use and being at the GCPD, Oswald was certain neither he or Barbara had been arrested. No one in the GCPD would dare arrest a Van Dahl or a Kean, plus Barbara’s ex fiance was a detective there _"Had they gone to see Jim? God I hope not"_. 

All his other memories of the last 3 days were disjointed, and at best were flashes of images and scenes. Oswald for some reason strongly recalls seeing bottles champagne, latex gloves, a green suit and a chiffon skirt, all without any context or a discernible timeline.

Oswald prayed to god he hadn’t show up at Charles’s party in the state he was in. His father would be mortified, he had enough heart problems without Oswald causing him to have a heart attack. 

Oswald glared down at Zsasz “Let’s just get the hell out of here” Zsasz smiled back and got swiftly up, the naked girls tumbling to the floor with a start, and went in search of Oswald’s clothes while Oswald called for an Uber.

Zsasz never ended up finding his clothes and ended up stealing someone else’s for Oswald to wear“If they wanted them they should have kept them on” before they both fell into the car hired to pick them up.

After a quick search of the apartment neither Oswald or Zsasz could locate any of their other friends and had to assume that they either weren’t there to begin with or had made their ways safely. The girls could always look after themselves better than Zsasz and Oswald ever could. 

Oswald had Zsasz dropped off at his apartment in central Gotham before heading to the Van Dahl Mansion, located in the outskirts of Gotham. 

The Van Dahl Mansion had been the family for generations and his father was adamant that Oswald not move out. Oswald being 28 certainly didn’t enjoy the constant parental involvement but he did appreciate it, especially after knowing the loss of one parent. 

Oswald paid the Uber driver then crawled out of the car and headed for his front door. Before he could put his key in the door it was swung open by angry Russian woman. Olga glared disapprovingly down at the young man she had helped raise “I don’t want to hear it” Oswald muttered as he maneuvered his way past her. “Your father was worried” Her accent still heavy even after 15 years of employment with the Van Dahls. His father had employed her after Oswald’s mother had died, unable to look after the upkeep of the house or even care for their child by himself in his grief, and as a result she had become a surrogate mother to the spoiled only child, as well as the only one able to handle his tantrums.

Oswald just waved her off and headed straight to his room, needing proper sleep before being able to handle a lecture. Oswald smiled as he heard her muttering in Russian as he walked away. 

He had staggered in and crashed onto his bed, not even bothering to remove his clothes. He rolled over, trying to get comfortable, when he noticed a green envelope on his pillow. He grabbed the letter wondering who the hell left it here. 

He opened the envelope and saw it read the following.  
________________________________  
“what is mine but only you have?”  
\- R  
________________________________

Oswald flipped the note over but there was no further information. 

Oswald could see the envelope was addressed to him at the Van Dahl address, so whoever had sent it certainly meant it for him, however Oswald could not fathom who would send such a note. Oswald, not particularly fond of riddles at the best of times, shrugged and tossed the note into his bin by his bedside table then rolled over into a comfortable position to get some sleep.


	2. If ever asked to look at yourself, don't look.

Oswald woke to smell of Olga’s cooking. It was then Oswald realised how hungry he was, he had no idea when he had last ate. 

Oswald quickly got out of bed and out of the stranger's clothes and into his own. Oswald felt much more himself, once in he was in his own clothes again. 

Oswald knew he was not by any means a conventionally attractive man, with his bird like nose, crooked teeth, pallid complexion and short stature, but he certainly knew how to dress to highlight his best features. He favoured makeup and colours that drew attention to his eyes, wore a vest to emphasis the breath of his chest, and his tapered waist, along with either tailored pants or skinny jeans to show off the curvature of his legs and ass. He may not be the best looking guy but he certainly cut an impressive figure. Oswald threw a smirk at his mirror before heading down to the dining room to join his family. 

Oswald was at once greeted by his father's kind and warm smile “Oswald dear, you had us all so worried” and matching looks of disdain from his step family “We all thought you were lying dead in some gutter. But I guess you must have just been passed out in one” Grace sniped. 

Oswald glared at his stepmother thinking _“you hoped I was you mean”_

Elijah turned to his wife with an indulgent smile “Oh don't be dramatic my dear. Oswald just has an avid sense of adventure.” Elijah turned to Oswald with his best impression of an angry father, though it was little more than a slight frown “I just wish you would call. After you ran out of Charles party no one could reach you. I almost called the GCPD.” 

Oswald scurried over to his spot at the table _“Damn it! I showed up at the party”_. Oswald took his place next his father “I am sorry father. I was looking after my dear friend Victor, he had just gotten out a bad relationship and needed my support, and it must have just slipped my mind” Grace sneered and muttered “Support to stand maybe” Oswald smiled at Grace, venom and sarcasm oozing from his expression. Elijah smiled proudly at his son “Such a caring boy. Just remember to also think of your father when looking after everyone else” Oswald nodded “I promise father” 

Lunch was served and everyone went relatively silent. His father would break the silence with the occasional anecdote while his step mother would offer up random gossip about Gotham society. 

Oswald was finishing of the main when he noticed a foot slide against his crotch. Oswald flinched back in shock, almost toppling his chair. “Are you alright son?” Elijah looked inquisitively at Oswald. “Yes. I'm fine.” Oswald's voice sounded strangled. Oswald glanced over to Charles who seemed unaffected but Oswald was certain it had been his foot creeping in his nether regions “I think I will head out actually Father. I really should check in on Victor” 

Oswald jumped from his seat scurried out of the room “what the hell was that about?” Oswald didn't have to wait long for an answer as Charles cornered him in the stairway “I thought we'd never be alone. You still owe me my birthday present” Charles was leaning into Oswald. Charles appeared to be trying to be seductive, on anyone else it may have worked but Oswald was disturbed beyond belief. Charles was for all intensive purposes his brother and Oswald had never looked at him in a sexual light but apparently something happened at his birthday to change that. “You promised I'd get to unwrap it” Charles hand slipped to his zipper “and you made me wait two whole days already” 

Oswald slithered out from between Charles's arms “Listen friend, I don't know what the hell I did to give the impression I was interested” Oswald held his hand up to prevent Charles advance “but this is not happening. You're practically my brother” 

Charles looked incredibly put out by Oswald's response but quickly pulled together his dignity as only the society rich could do “Well, you weren't that good anyway” and stormed off. Oswald tried to recall the party and had flashes of drunk pre-med student’s catcalling and him grinding on Charles’s lap, in some kind of lap dance. Oswald dropped his head in his hands “what have I done”

Oswald arrived at Zsasz’s apartment and about an hour later. Zsasz lived in an apartment building in central gotham. He was odd man but the best friend Oswald had. They had met at 13 when Oswald was attending grief counselling after his mother's death. Zsasz had been another patient and was sent there due to self harming and violent outbursts. Zsasz still enjoyed ritualistic self harming but it was no longer to punish himself and more sexual. 

Zsasz was lounged on his couch flicking through netflix when Oswald barged in and began to raid his liquor cabinet. Zsasz turned towards his friend who was sculling vodka like it was water “I would have thought you have had enough” Oswald walked over and collapsed onto the couch with the vodka bottled held close to his chest “You didn’t just find out you came onto your step brother at his 21st” Oswald shuddered with disgust and Zsasz burst out laughing “What!” Oswald recounted the story and the vague recollections he had of his step-brothers party glaring at Zsasz the whole time “This is all your fault you know. You’re meant to protect me from those kind of situations.” by now Zsasz was bowed over in laughter and struggling to breathe “It’s not funny! I apparently hit on Charles and promised to let him unwrap me”

Their laughter was interrupted by Zsasz ringing landline. Zsasz got up answered the phone after a few seconds Zsasz turned to Oswald smirking “It's for you” 

Oswald scrunched his brow in confusion and took the phone from Zsasz “Hello?” 

The annoyingly chipper and somewhat irritated voice of Ivy Pepper answered “Pengy, I'm so freaking mad at you. You left Selina at the GCPD. You were meant to bail her out, you promised” Oswald gritted his teeth in irritation “What have told you about calling me that” Oswald could hear Ivy smile on the other end of the line “that you love it and all my other nicknames for you” Oswald huffed in frustration “Actually Ivy it was the exact opposite” Oswald could practically hear Ivy roll her eyes “stop trying to change the topic. You need to go get her before they send to blackgate” Oswald rolled his eyes “What has she done now? And why do I care? “ Ivy made some vague non-committal sound then offered “Oh the usual, she just got caught this time. “ Oswald huffed in frustration as Ivy continued “Plus you promised Pengy” Oswald wanted snarl at the nickname but he knew it was ivy's way of showing affection “Fine, I'll head there now.” Oswald had to hold the phone away from his ear as she screeched in joy “You're the best Pengy” Oswald smirked, he needed at least a little payback, before coyly saying “We can't have your girlfriend rotting in jail now can we” and as expected this got an immediate response from Ivy “I told you she's not my girlfriend!” Oswald laughed “But you want her to be” Ivy huffed “Shut up Pengy” Ivy hung up as Oswald continued to laugh at the flustered teen. 

Oswald turned to his best friend “Well apparently I have to go pull some strings at the GCPD to get a cat out of trouble. You want to come?” Zsasz smiled “When have I ever said no to you” then went to grab a jacket. 

Oswald headed to the front door while Zsasz collected his thing. As soon as Oswald opened the door he was greeted by two giants in matching lucidor outfits “The hatter wants to speak with you” the twins said in unison. Oswald stomach dropped “Today is just getting better and better”


	3. Curious and curiouser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tweeds have taken the boys to see the hatter

The pair of friends were dragged from Zsasz’s apartment building and thrown into the back of a busted car and driven to the docks. Oswald and Zsasz knew exactly where they were headed and who they were being taken to see but could not figure out why. 

Jervis Tetch, also known as the Mad Hatter, was the sleaziest drug dealer in all of Gotham and Oswald and Zsasz made sure to avoid any and all dealings with him. However Oswald had to acknowledge that it was the prerogative of the mad not need a reason for anything.

The car pulled to a stop out front of an abandoned building. The twin lucidors, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, opened the door for them and motioned for them to exit. Oswald and Zsasz turned to each other to share a brief look of panic before they slipped into their respective roles.

Oswald and Zsasz had been spent enough time with the criminal element of Gotham, the drug affected and the mad to know to survive they need to show confidence and calm in even the most insane of circumstances. Being brought before the Hatter is high up there in the insane category. 

Oswald walked in, with Zsasz close behind him. Oswald had always been the better negotiator out of the two of them. Zsasz usually only got involved when Oswald couldn’t talk or buy them out of a problem, he was the muscle and Oswald the master manipulator. 

The inside of the building was themed like Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. The colours vibrant, the walls and floors covered with psychedelic patterns and designs. It was also littered with addicts staring blankly at the walls and giggling, completely high on whatever drugs they had just bought from Tetch. 

They were lead to a small office out back which looked like a small tea room. The table was set for three, with The Hatter at the head of the table. Oswald and Zsasz took their seats.

“Jervis, my dear friend. How have you been?.” Oswald smiled invitely at the psychotic drug dealer.

Jervis took a sip from the teacup in his hand and raised his eyes to stare down Oswald “Don’t think I don’t know. Don’t think I don’t see. You are not my friend. You have taken something very important from me.”

Oswald was more confused now than when they were taken. He had assumed it was on a whim and Jervis wanted company for one of his tea parties but it appears he believed Oswald had done something directly acting against him. “Friend, I assure you-”

The teacup in Jervis’s hand suddenly went flying and smashed against the floor, a strange coloured liquid spilling out. Jervis was leaning his weight against the table, eyes wild, lips snarling as he screeched at Oswald “Do not lie to me. You have taken my Alice. You will return her or I will have my vengeance against thee!”

Oswald realised he was quickly losing control of the situation. There was more than tea in that cup and if Oswald has taken one lesson from years of dealing with people using drugs is that you can turn your back on a person but never turn your back on a drug. Right now Tetch was having a bad high combined with either the loss or an imagined loss of someone called Alice. Oswald had to calm the situation before someone ended up dead.

Oswald quickly began to apologise “Of course. I am so sorry Jervis I promise she will be returned but I need you to tell me a little more about what happened” Jervis appeared to calm down a little at the promise of Alice’s return.

“Good, we are in agreement. Please have some tea, it is a new concoction, and I promise not to charge a fee” Jervis giggled as aware of secret unbeknownst to those around him”

Oswald sent Zsasz a sharp look, trying to communicate to him not to drink. They both raised their teacups and took false sips. Oswald turned to the derange dealer “Jervis, friend. I really need you to tell me a little bit about what happened that night I took Alice. It will help me greatly in returning her”

Jervis’s eyes narrowed in suspicion but he answered Oswald “Wonderland was all aglow when you decided to show. You and your friends interrupted my tea party. You were not invited, which caused quite a stir when you were sighted.” Jervis took another sip of his tea.

Oswald latched on the only lead he had in all the nonsense Tetch spilled “Jervis, I do hope you don’t mind, but can you tell me which friends were with me that night? It would certainly help in Alice’s speedy recovery”

Jervis considered the question then nodded “Of course. It was hard to miss with the entrance you made. There was Ms Kean, your friend there next to you, sweet Ivy and the kitty cat, and a man I had never met before. He and you appeared very close and you were reluctant to share him with anyone else so I did not catch his name.“

Jervis looked at the undrunk cups in front of both Oswald and Zsasz and smiled “Oh, aren’t you going to drink your tea. “ His smile seemed to grow “It’s special tea. My special tea. My specialty.” Jervis was in hysterics over his little joke while Oswald and Zsasz smiled uncomfortably.

Oswald took the chance presented with the now happy psychotic in front of him “Sadly we must go. We’ll stay for tea another time. We must be off to collect your Alice and bring her home.” Oswald and Zsasz stand to leave when they hear the slam of a hand against the table.

“Careful, now! It’s not all flowers and tea parties down her. Mr Zsasz will be staying until my Alice is returned. Remember Mr Van Dahl Wonderland’s home to some rather nasty creatures. It brings out the best and the worst in us! The longer you take to return my Alice the worse it will be for your friend.“

Oswald looked helplessly at his best friend. He had no choice. If they tried to leave together it was hardly likely they would escape without significant injury. “Please... don’t hurt him. I’ll bring you your Alice, just don’t hurt him” 

The tweed twins escorted him out and left him on the docks alone and worried. He still has no idea who Alice is and how Tetch got the idea he stole her but he had a lead. He was with his friend’s when this apparent crime occurred. Luckily he just happened to have an appointment to rescue one of said friends, and added bonus was she was the best thief he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait for an update, overwhelmed with uni. Hope you enjoy :)

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter will look at the aftermath and the resulting awkward family dynamic. Should update pretty soon.
> 
> You can find me at: aeryn-inara.tumblr.com  
> Feel free to come and speak with me :)


End file.
